The Secret wish List Read online

  ‘Me too. I feel so lucky,’ I reply.

  The next morning, Ankit has planned an all-day excursion on a boat with a fibre-glass bottom which will take us into deeper waters. The fibre glass will allow us to see the marine life without snorkelling.

  It turns out to be an extremely relaxing cruise and I am filled with a kind of contentment and happiness I haven’t felt ever before. We watch wild dolphins frolicking in the water against a spectacular sunset over the Indian Ocean. Maldives is home to several species of dolphins and they can be seen gracing the waters around. We watch them jump and do their friendly tricks as they swim alongside our boat. This is one of the most fun-filled and moving things I have ever experienced.

  ‘How I wish Abhay were here, Ankit,’ I say.

  ‘We will come back with him and do it again, Diksha,’ he says.

  When we finally head back, one of the staff, a young man named Majid, comes hurrying.

  ‘Excuse me, sir, sorry to disturb you, but there is a call for madam from India and it is urgent. The person has called twice, but we couldn’t reach you,’ he says again.

  I am surprised.

  Nobody except Tanu knows where I am. Why is Tanu calling and why is it urgent?

  I look at Ankit and he shrugs. We hurry to the reception area to take the call.

  My heart almost stops at what Tanu has to say.

  ‘Hey, babes, Sandeep has come back.’

  ‘Oh no. When?’

  ‘This noon. He came back unexpectedly and apparently went ballistic to find the house locked. He turned up at my flat and asked for you.’

  ‘Oh my God,’ I say and sit down.

  ‘Is Abhay okay? What happened?’ asks Ankit.

  I tell Tanu to speak to Ankit and I hand over the phone to him.

  ‘Hmmm, okay. Hmmm, okay,’ is all I hear at intermittent intervals while Tanu talks to Ankit.

  ‘Okay, okay, don’t worry. We will take the first flight home, but it will probably be only tomorrow morning,’ he says finally.

  ‘God, Diksha, I am so sorry about this,’ he says.

  ‘What has Tanu told Sandeep?’ I ask.

  ‘She did not know what to say. It was all of a sudden. She said the first thing that came to her head. That you had gone for a school reunion in Chennai. He demanded to know why Tanu hadn’t gone, as his mother had told him that you were with her. She cooked up a story about a last-minute board meeting she had, but he seems to be unconvinced.’

  ‘I am terrified, Ankit. What do we do?’

  ‘I am going to meet your husband tomorrow and tell him you no longer want to be with him.’

  ‘No, Ankit. No. I don’t want you to do that.’

  ‘What is the alternative?’

  ‘I don’t know. Let us get back home. We will see,’ I say.

  I am quiet and subdued for the rest of my stay with Ankit. Ankit tries to cheer me up. But I am deep in thought. I tell him to give me some time by myself. I sit on the deck, facing the miles and miles of ocean. The gentle waves make a comforting lapping sound.

  I think about how my life has changed. I think about my salsa classes. I think about that fateful day with Ankit, all those years ago, when I had got caught. And that, once again, so many years later, I have got caught with the same guy. How can the same thing happen twice? Perhaps there is something called destiny and perhaps freewill works only up to a certain extent in our lives.

  The secret wish list that I made on Vibha’s insistence comes back to me. Sitting there on the deck that day, staring into the ocean, it feels as though the secret wish list that I had bottled-up inside me has finally broken free and is now spilling out.

  I recall it in vivid detail and remember what I had written.

  Take a vacation alone, without family, but with a friend.

  Go snorkelling.

  Get drunk!

  Learn salsa.

  Wear a bikini.

  Have sex with a guy other than husband, just to know what it feels like!

  I realise I can strike off every single thing on the wish list now. But, has it got me what I want? Has it got me my heart’s calling? I keep thinking about all of it and finally, after a very long time, I know what I must do. I hope to God I will have the courage to do it.

  The sea-plane which brought us to the island arrives and this time I am not excited to take a ride in it. It is like Sandeep’s unexpected arrival has cast a long shadow over the happy sunshine and all I see now is gloom and doom. As though to match my mood, it starts drizzling and the usually blue sky is now a smoky grey.

  I do not know how I will face Sandeep, but I know I have to. There is no running away anymore. Ankit keeps trying to convince me that he will come with me and we will face Sandeep together. But I refuse. The flight back home is delayed by two hours, adding to my misery.

  We finally land at Bangalore. Ankit once again tries his best to get me to change my mind about taking him home with me. He says he cannot bear to let me face Sandeep alone.

  ‘Trust me, Ankit, your presence will only complicate things. Look, allow me a chance to handle this my way,’ I say with a bravado I am not feeling.

  It is with a heavy heart that I say a bye to Ankit as I drop him off at Leela and the cab speeds towards my house.

  I dial Sandeep and tell him I am on my way home.

  ‘Okay,’ he says curtly and hangs up. I can feel his wrath already.

  He is pacing up and down the garden when the cab arrives.

  He waits till I enter the house with my suitcase.

  ‘Where were you? Where did you go gallivanting to, you bitch?’ he says.

  ‘Don’t use language like that with me,’ I say quietly, my heart in my mouth. I am so afraid, so scared that he will hit me. But I do not show it. I fake a tone of confidence.

  ‘I asked where you were. Don’t give me that spiel about Chennai. I called up your mobile and it said it is unreachable. And you haven’t gone with Tanu. Who were you with and where had you gone?’ he asks.

  I do not know what to say. I am unable to think of any lies. I have had enough of lies and pretence. I have had enough of this lifetime of suppression. I have had enough of hiding and doing things behind his back.

  And so I say in a quiet and calm voice, ‘I was with the guy I am in love with and we have just returned from the Maldives.’

  Sandeep looks at me like I am a demon. He doesn’t know what to say or do. I can see that I have paralysed him with my words. I can see that he has no idea how to handle this.

  I feel a kind of sadistic satisfaction as I see his breath quickening and anger and confusion flooding his face.

  He says nothing for a while.

  Then he says, ‘Do you even realise what you are saying? Is this some kind of a joke?’

  His eyes are pleading with me to tell him it is a joke and that I was playing the fool. Sandeep has been propelled out of his comfort zone. His timid wife is no longer the doormat she was. She has finally found a voice and he does not know how to react.

  ‘I am not joking, Sandeep, I am darn serious,’ I finally say.

  Sandeep is silent for a while. Then I hear him march outside and I hear him make a phone call. I have no idea whom he is talking to.

  I myself am in a state of shock at what I have done.

  I am shaken out of it only when my phone rings. It is Vibha.

  ‘What is this I hear, Diksha? Sandeep just called me. What is this nonsense you have told him? Where were you?’ she demands to know.

  I tell her calmly that whatever I have told Sandeep is indeed true. I tell her that I have just got back from the Maldives, where I have had the best time of my life.

  Vibha does not know how to react either.

  ‘How could you do this, Diksha? How could you?’

  ‘How can you suddenly sit on a moral high-horse, Vibha? You know my whole situation. You know how Sandeep is. Weren’t you the one urging me to follow my heart and do everything on my wish list? Guess what, with this,
the last item on the wish list is ticked. Happy?’ I say.

  ‘It is not sitting on a moral high-horse. This is just plain wrong. You have taken your wedding vows with him.’

  ‘I was pushed into it. At nineteen. Don’t forget. How can that be valid for a lifetime? And yes, I now want to make amends. You know what? I am leaving him,’ I say with an air of finality and hang up.

  I am very upset with Vibha. How can she not be on my side?

  I hear Sandeep’s phone ring again and I hear him say, ‘Yes, yes. There is no other option. We will have to tell her family.’

  Then I hear him dialling another number and telling my brother what I have done and asking him to take the first flight to India and sort out this mess his sister has created.

  Twenty-Five

  MOTHER ARRIVES LIKE A ROYAL QUEEN, ALONG with her entourage consisting of my father and brother who has thankfully left his wife and their two children back at Dubai.

  My mother-in-law rushes to receive them as does Sandeep.

  I am the convict here, the sinner, the wrong-doer and as such am relegated to the background. The fact is, this whole explosive situation has been caused by my behaviour. I, it seems, have shamed everybody. I have brought dishonour to the family by ‘eloping with another man’ as mother termed it on the phone when she spoke to me.

  ‘I did not elope, Mother. I merely went on a trip,’ I tried telling her.

  ‘With another guy, without your husband’s knowledge. And what do I tell Sandeep when he calls and asks us to come to India to sort out matters? You have truly given us nothing but trouble right from school. We are taking the next flight to Bangalore.’

  And I had been dismissed. Just like that. And they have landed up at our place.

  I wait in the drawing room now. I am shocked at how old and pale my father looks. He has lost so much hair since I last saw him and looks painfully frail. Perhaps the treatment for prostate has taken its toll. Rohan helps him up the low stairs which lead to the drawing room. ‘Careful, Dad, there is one more step,’ he says, as my father places one shaky foot after another. His movements are deliberate, slow, weighed down with his age.

  I rush out to help him. I cannot bear to be a silent spectator anymore.

  ‘It’s fine. We can manage,’ says Rohan curtly. He does not even look at me.

  My father turns his face towards me and looks away with contempt. And that is how he greets me.

  There are no warm hugs or hellos here.

  I am the condemned one, the black sheep who has brought them nothing but disgrace.

  Abhay rushes to my mother’s arms and she hugs him and asks about his school and friends. She too looks very old. I am stunned and saddened to see how much they have aged.

  My mother-in-law urges them to sit and asks me to make tea.

  I call Abhay aside and gently explain to him that his granny and grandpa have come to discuss an important matter not meant for children. I request him to go to his friend’s house and play there for a while.

  ‘Oh, so you don’t want me to hear, eh, Ma? I want to be on your side. I like Ankit, Mama. I really do,’ he says.

  I hug him. I wonder how much his little nine-year-old brain has assimilated. I wonder just how much he knows. I feel touched and surprised that my son has somehow intuited that this is war, with Ankit and me on one side and the rest on the other. He has chosen sides and is trying to assure me in his own way that things are going to be okay.

  ‘I like him too. But let us not talk about it now, okay?’ I tell him.

  ‘Do you promise to tell me what happened in detail later?’ he asks.

  ‘Have I ever hidden anything from you?’ I placate him. ‘Now go and play.’

  Abhay knows nothing about my Maldives trip with Ankit. All he knows is that something serious is happening and that the world as he knows it will probably change forever. But that really does not affect or bother him much. I am thankful for that.

  Sandeep has fortunately not created any scenes in front of Abhay.

  But I had not expected Sandeep to call up my parents or his mother and tell them about it. I had expected him to rant and rave at me. And had he hit me, it would have given me a legitimate reason to walk out. In fact, I was hoping for a confrontation where I could leave, he having driven me to it. But he has truly bowled a googly by summoning my family as well as his mother. He has slandered my character, making me out to be a nymphomaniac who first had an affair with a salsa instructor and now with some other guy.

  I really do not know how much of it my mother-in-law believes. I know my parents have lapped up every word that Sandeep has said about me. It has confirmed their worst fears about me—that I was a rotten egg all along. Nothing had ‘cured’ me, not pulling me out of school, not getting me married, not even motherhood. As far as they are concerned, I am Diksha the trouble-maker, who has brought them nothing but dishonour, despite their best to ‘bring me to the right path’.

  As I take the tea to the drawing room, I have made up my mind. I cannot be a silent martyr anymore. I have been treated like a football all along—kicked first by my parents to Sandeep’s court, and then kicked around by Sandeep all my married life. Now that I have finally found my voice and my grounding, it has created a furore. Neither my family nor my husband can accept it. It has created a tumult in their comfortable life. And they do not like it at all. But I cannot help it. They want a confrontation and, by Jove, they are going to get one. The events of the last few days have only strengthened my resolve. I know now, so very clearly what I want and where I want to be. My parents have no choice but to accept. This is my life and I am determined now to really live it, to follow my heart’s urging which I have ignored and tried to suppress for so long.

  I serve the tea and continue standing. Nobody asks me to sit. Not even my mother-in-law.

  ‘Firstly, I really want to apologise to you both for my daughter’s behaviour,’ says my mother.

  I see Sandeep nodding and his mother turns to look at me. I guess they expect me to hang my head in shame and express remorse.

  ‘Ma, you really do not have to apologise for my sake, I am truly not sorry,’ I say.

  There is a collective gasp from the room.

  I pull up a chair from the dining table and sit down.

  ‘Look, Ma, you really do not know anything. And Sandeep, if you wanted to sort matters out, you should have talked to me, not dragged my parents half-way across the world,’ I say.

  ‘HOW DARE YOU talk back like this, DIKSHA?’ thunders my father with all his strength. ‘Is this how we raised you?’

  ‘I am sorry, Father, but all this trouble has been caused precisely because I haven’t spoken out. I have complied with all your wishes. You pulled me out of school, you sent me to another city, to a strict women’s college and you forced me to marry early. I really did not have a choice.’

  I am speaking from a place of strength that is coming from all the years of suppression. I speak out with courage and conviction. I speak out because I now know the alternate choices that life offers me. I speak as a responsible adult now. I have made my choices and I am no longer the old, terrified mouse I used to be. I know that if I do not speak out now, I will be squished and my dreams will be trampled. And it is taking a humongous effort from my side. I am nervous, but I know I have to say everything that I am longing to say.

  ‘You very well know the circumstances that led us to do that. It was your fault,’ my mother’s voice quavers and her eyes glaze over with rage, perhaps recounting the unpleasant memories that loomed over all the choices they made and also inflicted on me.

  ‘Ma, I was sixteen. It is normal for boys and girls to fall in love at that age.’

  ‘Oh, really? Don’t teach me. We have also been through that age. And we have not gone berserk trying to have a physical relationship,’ says my mother.

  ‘What? A physical relationship at sixteen?’ Sandeep is shocked.

  ‘No, Ma. It was not a “physical relati
onship” as you say.’ I use air quotes to emphasize my point. ‘It was just a kiss, and it wasn’t the crime that you made it out to be. Had you left it, it would have probably died down on its own. It wasn’t a big deal really. But the way you people twisted it, pulled me out of school, treated me like a leper, and the way you made it hang over my whole life, like the sword of Damocles, the way you never really listened to what I wanted, that was what has brought all this about.’

  ‘Are you making excuses for your abominable behaviour? You had an affair with some guy after marriage because we made a big deal out of something you did when you were sixteen?’ My mother is boiling with rage. She knows how to hit where it hurts. She has always been an expert at that.

  But this time I am prepared.

  ‘He is not some guy, Ma,’ I say calmly. ‘He is the same guy. He is Ankit.’

  There is a stunned silence in the room after that. It is as though I have dropped a bombshell and my family is reeling in the aftermath of the debris that the explosion has caused. They had no idea up to now about the identity of the ‘friend’ I was out with. Now that his name is mentioned, it is as though they have been jolted by an atomic bomb. They have no idea what has hit them.

  They squirm and I realise that I am sadistically enjoying the discomfort and shock that I have caused.

  ‘I have an announcement to make. I no longer wish to continue in this marriage. I know I have tried for fifteen whole years. I have done everything that a good wife and a mother is expected to do. I have never once failed in my duties. I have raised my child well, I have kept the house well. I have cooked and cleaned and served. I have supported Sandeep in all that he has wanted to do. I have never once protested, grumbled or complained. In return, I have been constantly reminded by Sandeep that it is he who earns, and therefore everything is justified. When Abhay was smaller, it was fine. Time just went by without my realising, but now that he is older, I have time on my hands and I want to make something out of my life. I have found my calling in salsa. It is something I yearn for, something I am good at and something I want to pursue as a career. And guess what? I am going to go ahead with it. Gaurav and I opening our own academy, as equal partners. And hey, that does not mean I am having an affair with him. Ankit understands this fully. In fact, he understands me completely and is ever-so supportive. Support and understanding is something I never got from any of you. Most of all you, Sandeep.’