The Secret wish List Read online

  ‘Yep, they do have better infrastructure than us, but watch out, we will win tomorrow and beat them hollow,’ says Ankit sounding confident.

  ‘Let’s just hope. Let us not be overconfident. You never know what they come up with,’ says Tanu.

  ‘We had a sneak peak at some of their models. They are just so-so. Ours definitely look better. But anyway, let us not slip up. We have to do a splendid job on the explanations. And for that we need to be fresh and bright tomorrow morning. So, I suggest, all of us go straight to bed. No staying up late and chatting,’ instructs Rohan. He has completely taken charge and I recognise his authoritative school-captain voice.

  Everyone agrees.

  ‘Aye, Aye, Captain,’ says Ankit and salutes smartly clicking his heels.

  I am certain if this were a cartoon movie, there would have been hearts in place of my eyes. I gaze at him in fascination. It is as though I adore every single thing he does—the way he speaks, the way he walks and how he just saluted. I cannot stop the tidal wave of admiration I feel for him. He makes me so happy. He makes my heart sing. I know at that moment, he can ask anything of me and I would give it happily.

  The dinner arrangements too are very well-taken care of. Fresh food is being cooked on the school premises where a large makeshift kitchen has been set up. There are long rows of tables and chairs. We form queues and everyone chatters excitedly. The atmosphere is one of great camaraderie, but there is also an underlying element of rivalry. Everyone sticks to their own school group and we all sit with ours, eating a sumptuous meal of steaming hot aloo, rotis, rice, dal and salad.

  Tanu and I are totally enjoying our first experience of staying away from home along with the school group. This is such fun! Ankit, Rohan and their group sit opposite us and Ankit manages to catch my eye and wink at me. He mouths a ‘meet me’ and I quickly look away guiltily. I do not look at him for the rest of the meal even though I am dying to. I am so afraid of being caught.

  ‘Okay then, good night, girls. See you tomorrow. Straight to bed now,’ orders Rohan after dinner, and all of us bid a bye to the boys.

  My heart starts its customary drum roll again. I wish I could remove the damn thing and throw it away. We all get into bed. There is a light on at the other end where three girls from another school with whom we are sharing the dorm, are chatting, but they do not mind that we want to sleep early. They are cooperative and soon the lights are all off.

  Tanu and I lie next to each other, a distance of one foot separating us.

  ‘Diksha, isn’t this just like the Enid Blyton books?’ Tanu whispers animatedly. ‘I wish we were in a boarding! What fun it would have been! Imagine having this experience every day.’

  ‘No talking, girls. You heard what Rohan said. Go to bed,’ calls out Anusha.

  Tanu is quiet for a while and then whispers again about how excited she is, and how happy she is.

  I pretend to sleep and do not answer back. I want everyone to fall asleep quickly. I can’t wait for it to be midnight to creep out and meet Ankit.

  I keep looking at my watch. I have to press a button for the light to come on so I can see the time. I have turned my back to Tanu so she cannot see what I am doing. I keep my left arm under the pillow and turn the watch around so it faces me. Each time I want to look at the time, I press the button which lights up the watch. I cover myself with the blanket up to my head so nobody can see the glow of light. I am surprised at how naturally stealth comes to me. It is the first time I am doing anything like this in my life, but the way I do it seems to be with the practised ease of a professional.

  ‘Hush my beating heart. Calm down. We will meet him together, you and I.’ I change the words of the Emily Dickinson poem that we have learnt at school and smile to myself. I have suddenly begun understanding all the love poetry we have studied. I now comprehend the desperation of Romeo and Juliet as they waited to meet each other. Our English teacher had told us that Juliet was just fourteen and Romeo was probably a few years older. At that time I had giggled and wondered how someone so young could be so desperately in love. But now I know.

  At sixteen, a good two years older than Juliet, I know now how she felt. I feel and completely relate to all those emotions that I had so far only read about. If this is love, I am gloriously submerged in it. All I can think of is Ankit.

  Thoughts of him swarm around me all the time. I wonder if it is the same for him. I want to ask him.

  How can it be that only three months ago he was a peripheral figure in my life, whereas now he is at the centre of it?

  I wonder what Ankit is up to. Is he too watching the clock, like me? I listen in silence to the breathing sounds of the girls. They are fast asleep. I glance at Tanu and in the dark I can make out the outline of her chest rising and falling. I am wide awake and alert to the slightest of noises.

  Finally, when it eleven fifty, I cannot wait anymore. I quietly creep out of bed. My eyes have got used to the darkness now. I slip my feet into my rubber-soled sandals and make my way out of the dormitory. I am terrified of waking up someone. In my mind, I already have a story ready, just in case one of them wakes up. I am going to say that I was, of course, going to the restroom and lost my way. Surely that is a perfect excuse.

  I walk slowly down the long corridor, feeling like a thief. I know exactly which turn to take as I have made a note of it earlier. But what I missed seeing earlier were the iron shutters at the end of it leading outside. I go closer and see a huge lock on them. I feel so let down. I do not know what to do.

  ‘Damn, I should have known that they would lock them,’ I think to myself. How will I tell Ankit that I am stuck? I feel terrible when I think of Ankit waiting in vain for me.

  Right then, I hear my name being called out in a hushed tone and nearly jump out of my skin.

  I am astonished to see Ankit on the other side. ‘Diksha, look outside, it’s me,’ he says.

  ‘Oh my God! Ankit! How did you get there? Have you been waiting for me?’

  ‘Of course. I knew you would come and wouldn’t know how to get out. Go upstairs and take the first left. There is a balcony which faces outside. Go there and I will be waiting downstairs. I’ll help you get down,’ he whispers urgently.

  ‘Okay,’ I manage to respond.

  I go upstairs and, in my nervousness, take the right and nearly walk into the boys’ dormitory. I am so frightened that I beat a hasty retreat. My palms are clammy with sweat now. I go back to the stairs and calm myself and then realise that I have to take the left, not the right. I go left and see the balcony that Ankit mentioned. I walk to the edge and, true to his word, Ankit is waiting patiently.

  ‘You have to climb on to the ledge, Diksha. Once there, lower yourself to the window sill. Hang on the ledge of the window. I will hold you and lower you. Don’t worry,’ he whispers confidently.

  I look down and I feel even more terrified that I already am. My hands and legs turn into quivering jelly. I have never ever before climbed on to a window ledge and now not only do I have to climb one, but I also have to hang down it. I am thankful that I am wearing my track pants and not my skirt, else Ankit would have got a nice view of my knickers, when I swung from the window ledge, I think to myself.

  I precariously cross over the railings of the balcony and balance on the ledge. This feels exhilarating! The view of the tall trees in the schoolgrounds takes me by surprise. The gentle night breeze hits my face and my hair flies in the wind. It is marvellous to stand in the window ledge unbound by grills or railing. I look at the ground. It must be a drop of twelve feet, and therefore I am certain it is not too dangerous.

  ‘Oh my God, Ankit, this is amazing!’ I say and I forget for a moment where I am.

  ‘Shhhh, Diksha, keep your voice low. And get down here. Don’t stand there. Let’s go! This is too close to the boys’ dorm,’ he says.

  His warning kind of shakes me out of the spell and I sit on the ledge.

  ‘How do I get down from here now? What did
you do?’ I ask.

  ‘I jumped down. But I would not recommend you to do that. Look, you just turn around and hang from the ledge like it’s a monkey bar. I will help lower you down.’

  I look at the distance and contemplate jumping. But the thing is, if I hurt my limbs or, worse, fracture my hand or feet, I will have a tough time explaining what I was doing jumping from the window ledge. So I decide that the option Ankit is suggesting is indeed the best. I turn around like he says and grip the edge of the ledge tightly with my left hand. Then I place my right hand next to it. It takes a bit of twisting, but I manage to lower my body. I am hanging now from the window ledge and this is a terrifying feeling, though I know the drop isn’t probably steep. Before I can think too much and psyche myself out, Ankit is beside me.

  I look down and I see him facing me. He puts his arms around my thighs. His touch feels like a thousand volts. It seems like an electric shock has hit me. He is hugging my thighs tightly now and he says, ‘Okay, let go now. I’ve got you.’

  I release my grip and am in Ankit’s arms. He is strong and catches me effortlessly and lowers me to the ground. All the pent-up passion, adrenaline, and weight of the emotions that I was reeling under so far, come in great floods and submerge me completely. I hug Ankit as tightly as I can, half in relief, half in the excitement and happiness of being with him.

  Ankit seems to be taken by surprise but recovers in a jiffy and hugs me right back. I nuzzle my neck in his shoulders. I feel wonderful with him. Then he begins kissing me and it feels like the most natural thing in the world. He kisses my forehead and cups my face in his hands. He looks into my eyes and I am entirely lost in them. He bends forward, his lips meet mine and his hands begin to play with the buttons of my shirt as he kisses me. I am ecstatic and so taken aback by how natural it feels. I am frightened too but not frightened enough to want him to stop.

  It feels like heaven has been revealed to me. Ankit’s arms slowly creep around my waist and the contact of his bare hands on it is a sensation that takes me by complete surprise. It feels like some molten lava has exploded inside me. I am unable to think and we begin kissing each other passionately. I forget everything but his lips on mine and his arms around my waist. His kisses are so hungry, so demanding and I cannot help but be carried away by the urgency and fervour of this all-consuming passion that has engulfed us now.

  So wrapped are we in each other that we do not hear the crunch of gravel behind us. It registers as a sound coming from some great distance. And then, suddenly, there is a light shining right on our faces and we hastily pull apart. I blink a few times and look in the direction of the light.

  My blood freezes when I finally make out the forms.

  It is Mrs Rao, Rohan, Tanu and Anusha standing there and glaring at us.

  Rohan’s face is black with rage. Tanu looks aghast. Mrs Rao looks thunderous and Anusha looks shocked.

  I stand there, staring dumbly at them, feeling horrified, guilty and so darn ashamed, not knowing what to say.

  I have no clue then what is to follow.

  I want all of this to stop. I want to turn back the clock. I do not want to be discovered like this with Ankit, that too by Rohan and Tanu. My head is spinning at the implications of it.

  But to what extent and to what degree, I have no idea. My life is about to take a nasty U-turn with a bend so sharp that everything else goes out of focus. I am hurtling down a slope at full speed without any breaks.

  All I know is that I am doomed.

  Seven

  I HANG MY HEAD IN SHAME. I REALLY DO NOT know what to say or do. Ankit looks embarrassed. He stares at the ground. He isn’t able to meet Rohan’s eye.

  Rohan walks up to him and, before my horrified eyes, punches him so hard in the gut that Ankit swaggers and doubles up in pain. This cannot be happening. It is like a scene straight out of a movie. Rohan then says to Mrs Rao, ‘I want to talk to her in private. Ma’am, please excuse us.’

  All of us are too shocked to react.

  He holds me by my shoulders and marches me off towards the amphitheatre.

  I feel like a criminal being led to jail. I do not want to face Rohan. I want the ground to swallow me up.

  The amphitheatre is lit by the moonlight, and the tall trees surrounding it make it look almost magical. I can’t help thinking that it is ironical that my brother is confronting me in this place where Ankit and I were supposed to meet.

  ‘What the fuck is this?’ asks Rohan without any preamble.

  ‘I am sorry. I didn’t mean to. I... I… We got carried away,’ I stammer.

  ‘You stupid girl. Do you have any idea what you are doing? What were you thinking? Sex in the moonlight? You fucking slut,’ he spits out the words.

  They hit me like a hundred needles shot straight at my chest.

  I am speechless at the language my brother has just used. He has never ever spoken to me like that.

  There is a lump in my throat and I am not able to speak. Tears stream down my cheeks.

  ‘What the hell are you crying now for? What is your fucking excuse? That you love him? How foolish can you be? Don’t you know, guys will say anything to score with a girl? I am so ashamed of you. And that bastard Ankit. I am his friend. Arrrgh,’ he roars and kicks the ground hard.

  I do not know what to say. I am utterly ashamed.

  ‘We will deal with this when we get back home. You have let not only me down but also Dad and Mum. How could you behave like this, Diksha?’

  I am sobbing so much that I am unable to answer.

  We march back in silence.

  Mrs Rao, Tanu and Anusha are waiting to escort me back. Ankit is nowhere to be seen.

  Mrs Rao looks at me with eyes that seem to have turned into stone and says, ‘Diksha, you are in serious trouble. This is most irresponsible behaviour. How could you sneak out like that? Disgusting.’

  She succeeds in making me feel like a worm.

  She escorts us back to the dorm and I see that the shutters are now open and there is a security guard staring curiously. Mrs Rao asks Anusha to keep an eye on me.

  They are treating me like a criminal who will escape. How did they get to know? Who told Rohan? Who woke up Mrs Rao? How did they know where to find us? Who opened the shutters? All these questions are swarming in my head but I am too shamed, too frightened to even speak.

  ‘Diksha. Listen,’ whispers Tanu.

  But I do not reply back. I do not want to talk to anyone. I bury my head under the pillow and yank the blanket over my head and sob, replaying my brother’s words over and over. I wonder what Ankit is doing. Can what my brother said be right? Was Ankit just saying stuff to me to ‘score’ with a girl? Was all the time that we spent together false? It definitely didn’t feel so. It felt so wonderful.

  Till then the possibility that Ankit could have been lying just to get into my pants (even as I think about it, I wince at my thoughts) had not even occurred to me. But the way Rohan put it is making me think about it. But more than that, I am terrified about what is going to happen once we get back home.

  ‘Hey, Diksha. Are you okay?’ Tanu whispers again. I pretend not to hear.

  I lie quietly in bed, but sleep eludes me. It feels like the longest night in my life. Sometime towards dawn I doze off.

  The next thing I know, I am being woken up by Tanu and I am still in a daze.

  I sit up slowly, feeling completely disoriented. Then the memories of last night’s happenings come back to me all at once and I don’t ever want to wake up. I just want to go back to bed.

  ‘Diksha, I tried to protect you. I did. But Anusha found the notes crumpled in your bag,’ says Tanu.

  What she says takes two whole minutes to sink in. Anusha searched my bag? How could she?

  ‘How? And why did she search my bag?’

  ‘She saw you and Ankit passing notes to each other in the bus. I think she waited for the right moment to strike. Personally, I think she has some kind of a crush on Ankit and was jealo
us of your exchanges. That is what I think.’

  ‘God,’ I groan. This was worse than I thought.

  ‘She saw you go out, Diksha. Then she woke me up and asked me where you were. I said you had gone to the loo. She said she knew I was lying and then she started going through the contents of your bag. It seemed like she knew exactly where to find the notes. She read them and insisted I go with her to Mrs Rao’s room. Mrs Rao marched to the boys’ dorm and woke up Rohan. The rest you know.’

  I sit on the bed with my head in my hands. I don’t want to get out. But Tanu urges me to forget it for a while and accompany her for breakfast. We also have the exhibition today. There is work to be done, we have to set up our model and prepare to explain our project to the visitors.

  As we go and join the queue for breakfast, I feel all eyes are on me. There is a sudden silence when Tanu and I appear. My ears burn and I go red. Instinctively, I know that the news about last night’s happenings has spread and that they are all talking about me. I see many students turning to look at me as though to say, ‘There—there is the girl who was caught kissing that guy.’

  But what I do not know then is the power of rumours. They spread like wildfire. I somehow get through the day, hiding behind Tanu for most of it. She handles our model and does all the explaining. I am in no mood or state to do so.

  Ankit is with the other boys at their exhibits. I catch him looking at me several times, but I turn away.

  Our school wins the overall trophy for the best exhibits. Tanu’s and my display also wins a prize for the ‘Most innovative and well-constructed’ model. But I feel no happiness. The events of last night have cast a big black shadow over everything. All the success at the exhibition pales, withers, shrivels up and becomes meaningless as my brother’s face and words keep coming back to haunt me. The more I try not to think of it, the more those thoughts rush in and surround me, drowning out everything else.

  That evening, we leave for our school. It is almost as if I have become an outcast overnight. None of the girls other than Tanu want to even talk to me. They stare and whisper among themselves.